Return to Oz

As i was cleaning my room i found a play i wrote Allana in year 10 (or nine?) drama with my mate allana. we did all our drama work together, i wrote and i bounced jokes and ideas off her, we were awesome together. We were studying Comedia Del Arte (italian patomime and improv) and the plays were to be concerning any of the classic Comedia characters. this is what we came up with. we performed it at the Estedford (sans props except a stool) and got an A for Awesomesauce. here it is, without a cut, because it took forever for me to transcribe it from my book.

The Mater and the Servant

The master is sitting on a big comfy chair by a table, reading a book wearing glasses. He is in an expensive dressing gown. enter servant, bowed very low.
S - Master?
M - Yes? the master is unamused and addresses the servant without looking up from him book
S - i... uh.. well..
M - this doesn't, by any chance, have something to do with my curtains does it?
S - blanches c-c-curtians m'lord?
M - Yes, the curtains, i don't remember them having holes in them
S - uh, well now.. perhpas you just haven only now noticed? they may have gotten slightly seared in the great kitchen fire of the lord's most noble manor -
M - great kitchen fire?
S - yes. more commonly under it's more.. accurate.. name of "i accidentally burnt down the kitchen this morning"
M - stands up and drops book WHAT?!
S - i am sorry, m'lord -
M - This is completely unnaceptable!
S- It was not my fault, sir!
M - not your fault? and why is that?
S - because it was Pastoolio who did it!
M - stop speaking nonsense, man. who is This Pastoochio chap?
S - hes the homeless man from the sanitarium i brought in from the street and fed and clothed with you great fortune and-
M - WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO-
S - talking to himself,forgetting his master is listening i suppose those policemen were right and he really WAS a pyromaniac, perhaps i should not have ran from them after all-
M - OH My LORD-
S - ggtting excited Although m'lord, i must say, your car is a very good excape vehicle.
M - ARGH!
S - ... i probably shouldn't have said that...
M - calming down yes, quite. Well, i suppose you will simply have to work off the damage won't you?
S - Oh, yes! grovels, kissing the masters hem Thankyou sir! i can't find the words too... i don't know-
M - Don;t know what to say? i suggest you don't, that mouth carries you away. now, why don't you go arrange the building of a new kitchen?
S - yes, m'lord exits
master resumes his seat with book, lights dim

Scene 2

master, on a tiny stool, with a comically large book with a magnifying glass. the table is covered in burnt out candles. The master is muttering about incompetence and having not slept in two days. the sound of electric drills and hammers is heard in the background (yes, it's a period peice with candles and electricity, it's called humour. lol)
enter servant, stooped low, same entry point as Scene I
S - M-M-Master?
M - looking very fed up yes?
S - I, uh... well-
M - standing up OH, for God's sake what is it this time? Since the Kitchen Incident you have lost my keys, melted my glasses, stepped on the hound... and then fell into and stepped on my mother. you crashed the car, spoiled the milk, flooded the library, put a hole in my roof and killed my fish! WHAT ON EARTH CAN YOU HAVE DONE NOW??!?!?
S - softly Deflowered your dauther?
M - WHAAAAT!??!
S - But, You don't understand! It's only because i searched everywhere and could not find your son!!! is horrifed at his admittance and his eyes go wide, hands fly to cover his mouth
M - My Son? He's MARRIED!!!
S - aside not if i get my hands on him!
M - paces muttering oh calamity, Mother, Give me strength-
S - Your Mother!? You know about her too?!?!?
M - excuse me?
S - it was only once, m'lord, and i did not know she was your mother!
M - gasping i need to sit down
S - don;t look at-
M - that's not my chair.... what happened to my chair?
S - that's not important, why not come lie down on your bed?
M - Yes, i suppose you're right, they walk to the others side of the stage and point off That's not my bed, either!
S - blurts out But it was not me! it was the goat!!
M - we have a goat?
S - Not after what he did to your poor bed we don't!
M - ... i don't want to know
S - I'm glad. if you don't want to hear that i don't know what you'd say if you knew about Pastoolio and your misses- looks horrified with himself
M - What did you just-
S - NOTHING! runs
M - SER-VANT! runs off after him
a chase ensures, running back and forth across the stage until the end of scene
S - I did not mean to wreck your slippers!!
M - snarls
S - over his shoulder you look just like your lovely mother when you're angry.
M - ARGH!!! Lunges
They again, back and forth stage left and right, shrieking. The servant exits, yelps, and a large clank can be heard. Master has no exitted behind him, and a loud splash and clank can be heard off stage before-
S - OFFSTAGE whiny i.... i did not mean to throw that chamber pot at you-
M - OFFSTAGE SERVAAAANT!!!!

lights dim

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p.s. this is mainly on here so i can send it to lana. if she gets half as much satisfaction from reading it again as i did.... totally worth it!

Tags: back in the day, my mates and i..., random crap i do, this is hilarious

http://community.livejournal.com/sad_shy_lonely/


is it wrong that i find a lot of joy reading about these people's misery?
yeah, probably

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"Yates and others also offered some surprising sneak peeks to the final two theatrical installments of the Harry Potter franchise, slated for 2010 and 2011 release. At certain points, Radcliffe will appear naked.

In one scene, “a horcrux [carrying a piece of Voldemort’s soul] defends itself by producing nightmarish visions, and one shows Hermione and Harry embracing and kissing,” explained Yates. “It’s something intriguing and sensual for Rupert to react to, and Dan will be bare for that.”

taken from http://www.videobusiness.com/article/CA6708963.html


OH MY FUCKING GOD! WTF?!?!?!


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was checking her friends' page without filters. took me ten minutes to realise there was a connection between note_to_cat being on spotlight, and the fat that my page was suddenly full with ugly pictures of fat ugly cats.
you can tell it's 3am. now that MY fat cat has stopped crying at me (it took tuna, to shut it up, 3am FUCKING TUNA) i will be retiring to the bedroom, again!!!

does it not KNOW i have work? *evil eyes cat*

... bloody bastard just burped at me

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Saturday Pwnd. i may update about it, but not now. cbf. just thought you should all know that my weekend rocked :p

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First Name:
Cass, or CJ. Well, technically and legally my first name is Cassandra, thanks to my Father. My Mother wanted to call me Imogen or Bailey-Apricot. I don't think i'm an Imogen, and i think Bailey-Apricot sounds like a hooker or some kind of liquor. Most of my friends call me CJ, as it's just how everyone knows me. Sometimes, behind closed bedroom doors i'm Cass, and my family call me that aswell as some very old friends. I once had a mate who analysed the Cj/Cass relationship: She said that Cj was the fun, charismatic me, with mates, making jokes, on stage. Cassy was the girl that gave her advice and acted as her therapist. Cassy let her cry on her shoulder. Cassy was the girl who's mouth quirked up slightly to the side in the tiniest smile when the person she liked showed her tenderness, like a kiss on the cheek or forhead. Cj was the girl who pretended kisses on the cheeks were for woosies and romantics. She said i was both Cj and Cass, I said she needed to stop stalking me :p

Age:
19

Location:
Darwin, NT, Australia

Occupation:
i don't have one. Even if i got this last week when i had a job, i would have said i didn't have one. An occupation is a career, and i know there are lots of things i want to do. I want to do more art, i love art, i would happily live out of the back of a Van, driving around selling my art. I also love teaching and hope, in a few decades, to be a secondary teacher. I also really want to go overseas and volunteer with Amnesty International or some such organisation.

Partner:
lol, No go. Don't have one of them either! i was with my ex, Owain, for about 18 months, but that's over. I have a bit of a no strings thing going on atm (at the moment, NOT ass to mouth, you perve!) which i'm clinging too for some kind of affection right now. everyone in Darwin knows about that, but it seems to be a taboo subject on our blogs :p i wonder who decided that? but yeah, i'm essentially single, especially will be in january. falling asleep with no-one next to you takes a lot of getting used too...

Kids:
none. maybe one day, not soon though.

Brothers/Sisters:
Calin. you ALL know Calin. we really didn't get along at all for a very long time. he was a real dick to me for a whole lot of years, the friends i've had the longest will testify to that. Lily has beat him up for me when he got really angry at me a number of times when we were kids. Lana was there, five years ago, when he attacked me every afternoon with pool cues, chairs, his fists. i was a wimp, and i'm still petrified of him even though i haven't had to run away from him in over a year. i think it was a mental thing, but for the later parts of my childhood and most of my teens i was absolutelty terrified of him, and i felt so stupid, cos he's younger than me. but he'd hold me down and spit on my face cos he was bored. i remember once, he locked me in dads room for two days (dad was away). i freaked out terribly. y'know that scene in gingersnaps when Ginger is locked in the bathroom and she attacks the door, and there's nail marks and blood all over it? yeah, it was pretty close to that. i used to flinch every time her walked behind me.
wow, i;ve never written any of that before.
but we get along better now, especially when he's sober and happy. you all know he has a drug problem and it;s just dumb, cos he;s actually very smart, especially at maths. i'm just waiting for him to grow up, hopefully he'll realise his life is crap and do something about it one of these days, and we'll look back and laugh in ten years. he;s a good kid really

Pets:
i have a cat named Fizzgig who we've had for about 11 years. he's essentially my cat though as he hates cal (cal wasn;t very nice to fizzgig when he was a kitten) and dad isn't a big cat fan. he sleeps in my room. i hope i find an apartment soon that fizzgig is aloud to live in. he meows lots, but thats ok cos i love him. cal also has a rat named doris who is lovely, and we have two dogs, remi and chewie, a labrador, and a collie cross.

3-5 Biggest Things Going on in Your Life:

- the house hunt. obvs me and dimmie STILL haven't found a place to live. it's impossible, everything is expensive, and we're running out of spunk.
- the possible job. i really, Really, REALLY want to be the Youth Services trainee for DCC next year. i want to work for Grind, and the Youth Advisory Group. i want to organise the big gig, and get my cert in youth work. i just feel like right now, thats what i should be doing, what i NEED tp be doing and i REALLY want the job!!! fingers crossed for me?
- well, i'm going to be moving out of home. away from the nest, so to speak. i hope my wings are strong enough, i think they probably are. i don't worry enough.

Parents:
My father's name is Brennan, and my Mother's is Toni. my mother left my father when i was about 7, and we lived with him ever since. i love my dad very much. He;s a lovely man and all my mates like him, as he's laid back, fun, and a really nice guy. he liked owain, i liked owain too, but oh well. dad really doesn't understand the whole body mod thing, he looks like he's in pain every time i get a new one which makes me a bit sad. But he still tells me i;m beautiful every time he gets a chance. he tells me he;s proud of me every day.
My mum lives in Cairns, has done pretty much since we moved to canberra when i was in Grade 3. she has depression issues as her dad was a dick and she was prety messed up as a teen. personally i think she's undiagnosed Bi-Polar. she smokes pot with my brother when we go to visit. in year 7 she moved to canberra because she missed us so much, she didn't like it ery much there and tried to kill herself. her roommate found her. i wasn't upset at all, whihc my therapist found VERY interesting. cal didn't understand. mum calls about once every two weeks for a catch up. soemtimes she;s drunk. sometimes she cries lots. sometimes she asks us to live with her, that she'll buy us a car if we do. my mother can't afford a car. i love her, but she's dumb and i'm glad i stayed with dad. sometimes when she calls it's fun and we laugh a lot.

Friends:
i used to have many more friends than i do now, but i've been pruning i suppose, and i've got a lot of good aquintances, i'll just list a few people i see or talk to a lot, or who mean lots to me.

Lily. I;ve known her since i was 8 and i love her more than anyone else in the world. this girl's laugh will cheer up the worst mood. we've put each other through a lot of shit (involving me and her brothers.... man lily, i'm so glad you still talk to me after all that!) but we are still as close as ever. i really don't talk to her much at all, and i see her usually once a year. when i do it's like i never left. Her partner, Ash, who is an amazing guy who i also care lots about also, says that me and lily have this weird bond that he can't even understand. i'm not sure i understand what he means at all by that, but that's ok. we've started drifting a bit recently, i don't think she really gets the whole piercing thing either, but i know we'll still be besties. we've always said that we'd either end up married, blissful lesbians (which won't happen, as Ash is perfect for her), or best mates, my kids would call her Auntie lily and she'd sneak them treats when i wasn;t looking. getting old isn't scary when i know she's a phone call away.

Dimmie. So, i've only known her for less than a year, but we are slightly inseperable these days. We kinda have an understanding, from probably the second i saw her forearm and she saw my facial expression, that we had both been through a lot. obviously, we plan on moving in together and rooming, and i think we'll be able to actually live together peacfully, not so sure about Matt though :p. dimmie and i can joke around about pretty much anything, and manage to talk about a whole lot else aswell. theres pretty much no judgement at all between us. i could probably do just about any stupid act and she wouldn't look at me differently. i'm lucky to have her and i love her a whole bunch.

lana. my first friend in Darwin! i love you lala! she's a pretty cool ass biatch and we just click. lana's eyes twinkle when she smiles. like dimmie, she doesn;t care about the stupid shit i do, and i don't care about the stupid shit she does, and she's done a bit of it these past few years. she's a groovey lady, and i used to call her mother 'mum' aswell. we were two peas in a pod for ages, until she droped outta school and we kinda drifted. luckily, we're still thick as thieves though, as she is the person that laughs the hardest at all of my jokes.

Louisa. ok, so Lou is a girl i was kinda friends with in canberra, i was mean to her in year 7 and it makes me sad everytime i think about it. for the twitterers here, you'll know her as my mate LudicrousLouisa, often found marathon chatting with me and another mate from canberra, Torratz (who is a bad ass mofo in her own right, love ya girl. do you understand though, why lou needs a mention here and you don't? you're a smart girl, i'm sure you can figure out why she's special to me :)) Louisa is an art school Lesbian just waiting for someone, ANYONE to take an interest in her. sometimes i wish i was in canberra so i could show her that she is beautiful and funny and amazing, but i'm not, so that's not gonna happen. She's so fucking funny i don't understand half her jokes. she also has an odd obsession with robert smith, possibly because she does, infact, look a tad like him. she's one of the most talented artists i know and i really, REALLY hope that all you canberra lesbians go find her, cos she's a fucking catch. she;s another one who really doesn't 'get' the whole piercing thing... i hope it doesn't bother her too much though.

Clancy. we used to be very close. all through highschool i'd be behind her, whispering her the answer, reminding her who Bill Clinton was, what a square root was, what 'insufferable' meant. she had absolutely no confidence and i told her every day that she was smart and capable and beautiful. we don't really talk anymore. she went off and got a boyfriend a few months ago, whats his name? lloyd? luke? i dunno, but he has stupid pants. anyway, she ignored me for ages, so i'm totally over her shit. she dated dan for a few weeks over chrissie (before cammy did) and that ended really badly, and they both acted so childishly i kinda got sick of both of them and it hasn;t been the same all year. she needs to grow up and then give me a call.

Lori. Lori is one smooth motherfucker. I've known her since the start of the year porfessionally (as she owns Vogue piercing, THE place to be pierced in Darwin) but the last few months and weeks especially i;ve got to know her a lot more. she's a somewhat intimidating chick if you don't know her, and a very intimidating chick if you do know her, but she's hilarious and passionate. i think i really respect her passion for just about everything, Lori either cares deeply or couldn't give a stuff and it must be exhausting! she's done a lot for me recently which she really hasn't had to at all and it's just been amazing to know she'll help me out if i need it. She has a wonderful, beautiful daughter named Rosey who i absolutely adore. if i have a kid half as amazing as Rosey-bear then i will be incredibly chuffed. Lori is an amazing mum and i'm really, really greatful that she's let me into her home so freely to get to know her, and her daughter. she also makes a mean, well, lori cooks up a mean anything. delish! :p

Cammy. i first met cammy about 4 years ago through VampireFreaks.com. lol! we have a lot in common, we both used to be goths and are now bogan hippies, both classically trained singers (although she has had MUCH more training than me and it shows. girl, you work that vibrato!) and we both have a slightly unhealthy obsession with faeries. she's got so much joy bursting out of her, and her smile's contagious. Cammy has had a whole lota heartache and tradgedy this year, and she's still here, her amazing self, coping the way she knows how, and girl, you shine away. you're a star.

Jared. So Jared is the newest edition to the list as i've only known him well for the last few weeks, although we met when he came over a few months ago from america. For the canberra readers, Jared's the guy i've been... er... hanging out with... *cough* since Owain ditched me. This kid is hilarious, espeically when he teams up with Lori, bring on the cultural references! he's a pretty cool dude and i'm gonna miss him a whole fucking lot when he goes state side in january. i try not to think about it, to be honest, and i don't know if that's a good idea or not. he should never stop smiling, (actually, he's rarely not smiling) because he really had the best smile around, it lights up a room and is mischeviously contagious. Jared needs to learn to stop worrying, but he'll never listen to me. i think we should build a box fort, he thinks it would be too hot. he makes funny noises and does weird things when people make sex jokes *insert jared noises*. he makes me giggle a lot


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ok, it's deffs time for an update, cos shit about to get heavy, yo

on saturday, i was 'let go' from my job. that's right, i, like thousands of other australians, got crunched cos they couldn't pay me. I;m kind of annoyed, because i'm the ONLY one that got fired. but, le sigh, what are you gonna do? ok, so i;m jobless, no biggie right? well, it's mainly the timing that has royally fucked me over. i was in the middle of looking for an apartment, as you know, and if they thought i didn't make enouhg money before then i have no chance in hell right now. this is bad, because as of the second week of december i has hoped to have a place sorted, so i could spend chrissie with the rellies in sydney. now, no-one will lease me an apartment without a job, but what job would hire me when i have to leave for a fortnight three weeks after i started? no job, that's who. so now, i have no idea if i will be in sydney for christmas, and i would feel awful, as it's the first chrissie since my Aunt died, and dad needs me there, and cal needs me there to bitch too or he will go crazy because of our biggoted relatives, and i;m the only member of the family who doesn't blubber every time Auntie Tracey is mentioned. and if i DON'T go down for chrissie, will i have an apartment? i'm not worrying right now, but y'know, you can;t help worrying a little. im more confused than worrying. give me two weeks, then i'll worry.

so, that means i have every day off! who wants to do stuff??!

You there, Reader Zombies,

Get off your asses and update your God Damn Live Journals!!!!!

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just got home from hanging with Jared for the last 24 hours. should try and go to sleep now, as i can tell tonight isn't going to be a good night.

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At work.

can't find my phone. i am an idiot.

washed my hair last night, thank GOD. not too much of the colour came out, which is good, and i didn't hair spray and style it this morning either, so it actually kinda feels like hair (well, ten times bleached hair anyway!) which is an oddity. put it in plaits cos, as i said, is not styled. plaits are amazing, twist, twist, bam! can go to work without looking like a saffron mop! i need special effects napalm orange hair dye. i don;t really care that it glows under UV (although that IS rather amazing), it's just that awesome blood orange colour i want.

this whole post was about my hair.

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p.s. was tagging this entry and 'nipple hill' was a tag. lol, took me ten seconds to remember why.

I'm currently sitting on dimruthien's couch, sweating profusely in the scampiest summer dress i own. I hate this weather, hot, sticky; i could practically swim through the air. When will it rain again?

Went swimming last night for the first time in a while, was good fun. i luffs hanging out with ma dimmie, it'll be easy living with her i think, we are very comfortable around each other, i mean, i went swimming, without my boardshorts, i haven't done that since i was 11.

Vodka, guava, apple and agrum is the most amazing drink on earth. i should write alcoholic recipe books. just finished my glass - sure, it's before noon, but it's my day off, and it was cold and in the fridge.

my hair is atrocious, chlorine is the enemy.

called a few real estate agents today, one practically wet herself when dimmie asked her for a veiwing. "omg, yeah! yay! when do you want to see it? today? soon?" poor girl must need a sale. so i'll be off soon to look at the apartment, it's on king street in stuart park.

so, what should i do tonight? originally zombie_jihad was gonna come hang with us in the pool and get crunk, but he's working tomorrow now, so apparently that isn't happening. so maybe i'll just stay home all week? knit a sweater?

wanted to see the imaginarium of doctor parnassus tonight, but it's only showing at 9 fucking 30. what the hell. looks like that isn't happening.

anyway, ima be off, gotta fill out applications and such.

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I'm already magick. who needs anything else :p

"a week's like a long time, things can change in a week"

ok, so i haven't actually updated in a few days. and i'm not going to, you dirty birdies do not want to know what i've been getting up to.

:p

why is this affecting me so much?

1. Squidwarding

Squidwarding is the act of taking ones testicles, and placing each in separate eyes of another person, and taking your penis and laying it down the persons nose, creating the appearance of the cartoon character Squidward from the childrens show Spongebob Squarepants

thanks, urban dictionary!!!

Bread Kills!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

* 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
* 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
* 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
* 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
* 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.